The following revised and updated corporate policy statement was obtained surreptitiously from an anonymous Cookie Monster working in a middle management position at the firm. User discretion is advised.
January 31, 2015
1. What is a cookie?
A cookie is a small file containing a unique identifier that is placed in the web browser of your computer or mobile device when you visit a site. Cookies and similar technologies (which include pixels, tags, web beacons and software development kits (“SDKs”) together with “cookies”) enable the websites you visit collection information from your device
to make money by knowing everything about you, personally. Cookies enable website operators to recognize (you) your device and collect information about (you) your device when you interact with a site. They use this information to understand how the site is being used, remember user preferences and improve users’ browsing experience. Cookies are also used to make the advertising you see online more relevant to your interests. This enables you to receive insanely inappropriate targeted advertising for things you don’t think you need, but really do need based on what the “cookies” know about you. The “cookies” are always correct, so even if you don’t like the advertisements, you really do and just don’t know it yet. You aren’t really expected to buy anything you see that is shoved in your face with every website you visit. The “cookie” makers know that but they are still able to convince advertisers that they will at some point be able to maybe sell something to you. In short, we use “cookies” to sell advertising space to advertisers that will never sell anything to you, but they think they will, so continue to pay us for advertising that does not work. And that makes the Internet “free” to everyone, except advertisers.
2. What information do you collect?
Our cookies collect your IP address, browser type, operating system and data on your visit. This allows us to
know everything humanly possible about you personally recognize you, understand how best to program our website to get you to expose more and more personal information about yourself to improve it and send you ads that make us a lot of money that correspond to the interests you think you don’t have your interests.
3. Can I opt out of cookies? Yes
Are you kidding?
Sic Semper Tyrannis
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